Connections, especially the deep and meaningful ones, like the ones you would share with an intimate partner have been linked to longevity and satisfaction in life. Life is fun and easier when you partner with someone with shared values, interests and goals. Love also finds new definitions as you grow with this person – at times it shows up as a friend with whom you problem solve, at times it shows up as a confidante with whom you can share your deepest fears and at times it shows up as a cheerleader who holds you up through different life changes. Gradually, you decide to grow this life that you share and bring in children to your family and to life!
Congrats, you’re pregnant!
And love redefines itself, yet again. From your partner being your boo, they become Mama or Dada. In small, discreet ways, your connection and priorities towards yourself and towards each other start shifting. We reprioritize from oneself and from our relationship of two, towards becoming present and intentional parents, towards running the family unit smoothly and towards rebuilding a social network where our children can thrive. Aka – move over date nights, and come on over play dates!
What can you do? Make time to understand each others’ priorities, fears and insecurities checking in with where the other is at.
Who’s having it easier?
In my clinical practice, I often meet couples after their baby has turned 1 year old, who have found a new rhythm in their life as a family of 3 or after their second child is born, and they are struggling to find a rhythm as a family of 4. Some of the most common pain points that they come with are – Why is it all on me? Why am I not appreciated enough? Where is the time for us? It is helpful to channelize the need for change from a tussle between one another to a tussle between you both as a unit vs. the problem. If one partner is feeling an increased burden – communicate the need for more.
What can you do? Define what is your More and communicate that to your partner. Sometimes it can be acknowledgment or appreciation and sometimes it can be need for involvement that lightens the load.
Fights are good! But, only the good ones!
Unmet expectations, increased mental and physical load on one or both partners and not having the opportunity or means to rest can lead to an emotional, mental and sexual distance between the partners. This often comes out as The Dishwasher Wars where we try to find an equitable footing with home chores, child care and financial inputs/outputs. Being able to find a pain point in the relationship is good, almost necessary as we want to go back to a time when it was easier or happier.
What can you do? Talk about your dissatisfaction and explore joint problem solving rather than assuming poor intent or mind read your partner.
What can you do if you are finding yourself in a stalemate situation, with no time for love?
- Identify how you experience love. In my experience, I have seen that women experience love in the form of attention and men in the form of engaged activities. Look within and identify when do you thrive in your relationship. Eg, is it when I am seen – for how what I am doing (E.g., I can see you haven’t been getting good sleep lately or I noticed you haven’t been able to meet your friends much lately) and what I am lifting (E.g. I know you are working really hard for our family) and/or am not punished for the burden I am carrying (E.g. If you would do less, you would be less grumpy).
- Expectation vs. Reality. Acknowledge the changed family structure and dynamic for you without comparing it with what you would have imagined it to be or what another friend is experiencing. For example, it may show up as you had planned to return to work post 6 months after delivering your baby, but your workplace is no longer flexible, inclusive and supportive of your changed needs.
- Lean into your strengths. Reflect on your early experiences of connection and togetherness – what can you rekindle and bring back within your new life circumstances? For example, when you didn’t have time to converse post work in the evenings, you both used to speak during the lunch hour to stay connected with each others’ day. Can you then find creative ways to reach out to each other for connection and communication through the day in bite sized ways if larger chunks are not possible at present?
- Connect with your individual goal and find creative ways to meet it. Since you became a parent, your personal life goals may have shifted. Identify what remains as a valued goal that you would like to reprioritize to reduce resentment. For example, you may find exercise to be supportive for your mental health. You could look up a parents’ walking group or a parent-bub dance class that allows you to be active and up & about, or recalibrate schedules with your partner to make some child free time for yourself.
- Set aside dedicated time to connect as a couple. Get the support you need to enable yourselves to step away from childcare to lean into each others’ lives. These could be coffee catch ups befor starting a regular work day, dinner date nights or strolls to a nearby park. Creating an environment that supports connection will make connecting easier. Coming together to see a therapist could also be another such safe space where you can get the support and resources needed to reconnect.
